Thank You 2020

 Hi, Bloggy!!! It's BEEN a long time since the last post I published, of course. I actually wanted to post some physical thoughts to this blog of mine, but as usual, I did consider everything. A lot. So, I decided not to share that kind of thoughts. I mean, not everyone will accept or at least is in the same view. 

This year has been the hardest one ever. I think it affected not just me, but people in this whole world. Some still might have felt sparks, but some others have not. However, that does not become the reason that we cannot see the good side. Okay, as usual, this is not me if I am not putting some positive affirmations alike to my post. I am sorry, I do this a lot because my role model is Mahatma Gandhi. Okay, next.

People come and go. We do know that. That is exactly how the world works. Natural law. Okay, I am here not trying to be a philosopher. The life that has been given to me, it forces me to impersonate any one of them. I do question everything, but only to myself. If only I could ask someone whom I know well about it, I would do.

Okay, if I took a look at it a little closer, I actually already found the answer of my questions. Yes, the answer is natural law. However, it takes a almost a year for me to finally accept this law and what has been written to me since long ago. One of proverbs even says that time almost heals everything, but I do not think it applies on me (I'm sorry 😐). Maybe it will, and again, it is just a matter of time (oh well, 'time'). Yeah, I think you know where this is going. I am talking about losing.

I was, at first, thinking that 2014 was the year of biggest change that has ever happened to me. I was wrong. I want to say that this is the year of changing. For once, this pain of loss almost drove me insane like never before. Thankfully, I am still sober enough to face this truth. I am so blessed that this 'experience' has shaped me to be a much better version of me (okay, in my opinion). I am so lucky enough as well that this phase of my life really keeps me away from attached too much to worldly life. I am not saying I am not sad, but losing the one who opened your eyes how to live life sincerely, makes me want to make 'the legacy' lives on. I really want to spread to the world the noble value this person taught me. So that the world will be less filled with hatred.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash

Before I end this post, I really want to say this thing, my dear. We might have to use logic and think rationally. However, there are some particular things that cannot be processed with common sense. Some things that only work when you think intuitively. I am saying this not because I am an INFP which is exactly an intuitive person. Even before I knew this MBTI theory, I have used intuition more than my common sense — yes, since I was four years old. Okay, if you did not get what I mean by saying think intuitively, here it is the explanation. 

“When you're intuitive but unaware of it, your intuition might externalize itself, showing up as "signs from the Universe" that leave you in awe. It's almost as if intuition tries to get your attention internally first, but if you're not paying attention, your intuition will grab you by the outside world and shake you until you're listening.” — mindbodygreen.com

Yes, it sounds a bit weird, but I just cannot  let you go not knowing that I do believe in that 'signs from the Universe'. For once I thought it was just my 'unrealistic thoughts', but the last time I ignored it, I did feel regret. Regretting of why I kept ignoring that 'signs' which could let me at least 'prepare' myself for what will happen next.

It is going to be 2021, but I am still processing 2020. Thank you, 2020. You have been the greatest year I have been through so far. I have found the wonderful teacher, and so I wish you too, my lovely reader. Yes, it is 2020. May the new year will bring much better changes for all of us.

“Why does the star shine?

Mengapa bintang bersinar?

Why does the river flow? 

Mengapa air mengalir?

Why is the world spinning?”

Mengapa dunia berputar?

 

-Sherina, Lihatlah Lebih Dekat

Intersection on the Blank Map

“Did you enjoy singing backup?” said Caitlyn to Mitchie. Yeah, I think that Camp Rock’s dialogue is similar enough to the situation I am getting in. Mitchie is competent in singing, but her heart is not into the place she is in. As you already know that I am graduated now. The feeling of relief is there, yet the confusion as well. Because sometimes, there are some circumstances that force you to do something not your heart desire. I think that becomes the reason why some things did not work out because the heart and soul are not into it. I am sorry to make it not to the point. I just want to fill the blank… okay, I am just kidding.

Photo by Markus Leo on Unsplash

Of all the things we questioned, can we answer it with another point of view? I mean, let’s take an example. One might answer those questions with “because you’re lazy,” or “because you’re not fully accepting it,” or “because you’re not trying to do with sincere heart.” In my world, I would say “what if it wasn’t meant to be?” I know that would sound shallow because I directly cut it to the core. But that answer can be so meaningful if we can think about it a little deeper. Just take another allegory. You are the actor of a TV series. If the director said you will not appear in some episodes, it never happens. You will never be there. You are playing it, I know. But, if the director keeps saying no, what would you do? The problem then keeps going. How do you know that you will not be part of that episodes if no one tells you? I think by keep trying, sooner or later you will find it.

It just reminds me of my friend who said that I gave up on my previous college. Let me take you back to years when this was going. That was the thing I love the most. I had been waiting for that for almost eleven years. However, something did happen in the last minute. I kept on going though I knew and I believed that would not go well. After so many considerations, I finally quit college. Well, that might be seen as giving up. But once again, in my point of view, it is because, in the middle of the journey I found some factors. Those became the reasons why I did not continue while it was not few who believed I was a bit capable of doing it. Now, with the thing I achieved better, can I just say that it is fate?

 Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

So here we are. If you are now asking, what is the point of all of this shit I write, I would say it is all about finding what you are destined to be. I am holding a blank map and I am on the T-intersection, now. Even though sometimes I ask myself with these questions “what if,” or “would it be good or worse if I go there instead of there.” So, now, knowing that you are not fully in that series, why not try to find another role? Okay, it is so hard for me to say to the point. I… have not gotten my dream job. I even forget what it is. Okay, let’s eliminate that ‘dream.’ Now we have ‘job.’ A half of me feel like I have to find it. On the other hand, the rest feels like I have to take another thing I want. Well, to be honest, 80% of my heart, soul and thought are not into it. That sometimes makes me think that is why I have not gotten it yet. Other than that, it does not close my thought to the answer “maybe it definitely was not meant to be.” Some say maybe this is because I do not want to change my life cycle. In my opinion, “what if this is part of the story?” or “what if history wants to repeat itself?” It is still hard to convey what I actually want to say. But with the pictures I inserted in this post, I think it is well delivered :)

 Photo by MD Duran on Unsplash

Okay, now this part is the end of this post. It is not me if I did not put at least some optimistic ideas. One thing we have to be sure is, even though you are not achieving what you really want, at some point, everything is going for the sake of our goodness. It inevitably leads me to a statement that, not every “acceptance” will be good and not every “rejection” means bad. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. One more from me, if it is meant to be, it will be. But, if it was not, it never was. Okay, I am sorry. The last one is from Selena Gomez. LOL :D

Stay safe and stay healthy, guys. I hope this hard times will be over sooner. I cannot wait to go outside and travel around this city all day long! 💙