Sunday, October 10, 2021

Head in the Clouds

I have just finished staring at the sky for three hours straight. I know that is weird, but I think that would be better rather than sitting alone on the corner of McD. I was confused about anything that has just happened and of course the one that is still on going. Then, I realized maybe it is because I have not done journaling lately. As you know, the last post I published was four months ago. 

Well, I know even though the post I write here does not contain any thoughts that are bothering my mind, at least writing this random stuffs do help releasing the tension hahaha.

By the way, have you ever heard a famous quote that said "what you think, you become"? I just remember something that I have done in the past. It was not really related to that quote, but I think it was similar. So here is again my analysis.

If the quote "what you think, you become" really works, we can change the initial sentence, right? Let us start with the word "writing." What would the sentence be? "What you write, you ...?" In my opinion, it could go like this, "what you write, you affirm." Is that well? Hahahaha I do not know. 

As usual, many things have happened of course during the last four months. It made me a bit shift my character. Well, I am not saying this because I claim it. It was more likely revealed by one of my close friends.

So, long story short was, I made a plan with my friend to go out after work. Yes, I know I notice this rare behavior as well. Going out on after hours is not really me. There more, it was me who initiated the meeting first. It is, again, not really my character. LOL. 

It did left me in a moment of silence between me and my self. Like, I talked to my self, "am I changing?" hahaha. Funny, that sometimes I felt like I did not know my own self. Accidentally, I remembered something that happened in the past.

I believe I was extrovert until particular circumstances shut me up. It happened when I was just a kid. As experts say that children usually copy what they see, what they are told to, and so on, I guess my early-childhood psychological subconsciously received that and buried that in the back of my mind.

This small analysis just made me wondering, what the hell am I? hahaha. On one side, people see me as a super-duper quiet person. While on the other hand, it is not a few who said I am so talkative. Yeah, it actually depends on whom I talk to.

Well, I do not know exactly. Maybe this "new era" has shaped me a bit more different. For example, even though I am an introvert, I cannot lie that I miss sitting on a bench with my friends having face to face conversations in this hurly burly city. Real conversation exactly.

Anyway, talking about city, I just want to let you know that I still cannot get enough of the interlude part of Niall Horan's Too Much Too Ask. Every time I listen to it, I remember the warm and lovely vibes of Bendungan Hilir and Sudirman village in the afternoon. 

I do not know why it feels like that. The building, the city lights, and the twilight ambience sound fit to the notes and the sound of the guitar. It just reminds me of the same atmosphere when I listen to Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up and James Bay's Let It Go. The difference lies on the place. Yes, I Won't Give Up and Let It Go bring Antasari streets vibes. Not forget to mention, Kemang as well. Are you getting confused with this? Hahahaha, do not worry, you are not alone.

Actually, I am not a twilight craver, I am more with dawn perfectly packed with the dew. However, I am not really an early bird. You can say I am a night owl because I bear with twilight more often.

Maybe I miss the feeling of strolling the city in the night. I could do that actually, but would you do that in this really "hard" time?

Photo by Bagus Ghufron on Unsplash

Monday, June 21, 2021

Mid Year

 

"It makes me smile because you said it best,
I would clearly feel blessed" -Owl City


Alright. It's kind of late writing it down to this very blog of mine. I just do not want to be seen as "in a rush." Okay, let me greet you all first. How are you, guys? I hope you all are good because I am! It is already mid year. I have not posted any post yet this year (well this one is on going lol!). As we know, we are still in this hard times. But, one thing I believe is it is all getting better and will vanish sooner than later.

Okay, as usual, this post will not appear if I did not want to write about what has just happened around me. I may say I am the most cheerful person (well, through my own lens exactly). I do not like negative emotion really covers me up. However, I forgot that there is certain thing that I cannot take control of.

I mean, I am sorry but I am still human being. I just cannot fool myself that I did feel grief. Thankfully, I was still sane enough to realize that life must go on no matter what. One thing that really made me to "let it go" what has chocked my chest was this particular thing.

So, as you know, last year, I lost someone. It left me in sorrow of course. And so how it started. I was totally blank for almost a year. I felt that I lost my will to live. But, this thing really opened my eyes. I do not know whether it was real or just my thought. Whenever I drowned in that grief, this person had always come to my dream without a single word. It was like they conveyed something that they do not like it if I was always being sad. It happened for several times that leaded me to interpret the meaning of that dream. And lately I have been convinced with my own self that "yes, you cannot do this for the rest of your life."

Later on, it was January or something, I forgot. I felt there was something just went through my heart that said "something big is happening." I have not seen it coming yet, but I am totally sure it is there. So, as I believe that it is going to happen, I now see one by one that brighter days are ahead. 

So, maybe there is a reason why. Like, the person may not be here anymore, but there is me. Now, the universe wants me to take over the role to spread the voice. Maybe that is the reason why I am still waking up in the morning to live another day. Like what I have believed since long ago that there must be reason why I was born to this life.

Oh well, anyway, I have just got new role. I am so happy with the situation I am getting in right here right now. However, it seems that the surround does not really see it as a good thing. I just cannot afford to think like that I am sorry. I can be sarcastic somehow. Well I am sorry. So, they keep telling me to find a better thing. You know the reason I guess. It is about that money making ventures. I mean, come on. We are still in this hard time, getting this "thing" is such a blessing while there are so many people out there are still trying to get one. Even though I keep telling them that I enjoy it with all my heart and soul, it seems like they do not get it. I mean, I would choose in a heartbeat chores that mean a lot although it is really low paying rather than live in that falsity just to get a higher pay. Thankfully, it is not coming from the family so I do not really affected with such a thought (or comments?).

Oh yeah, I almost forget to mention. I do feel so blessed. I am now surrounded with much more positive people. Seriously, I never thought that I would be in this phase. I mean, I was really in grief last year, but now, I still cannot find an appropriate word to describe how much I feel so blessed. That it sometimes leaves me in awe and think "my God, did I deserve this kind of bless?" I think it has just started since I believe that the big good thing is on its way to me. So, like the Pablo Picasso said "everything you can imagine is real" and since we are the universe, let us think about something good only so the great things will gravitate towards us.

Thank you very much for the visit, guys. It is random again. Well, it has always been and always will :) May God bless us in every step of our ways. Stay healthy and happy! Blue heart 

Chills. God is up to something good.



Wednesday, December 30, 2020

Thank You 2020

 Hi, Bloggy!!! It's BEEN a long time since the last post I published, of course. I actually wanted to post some physical thoughts to this blog of mine, but as usual, I did consider everything. A lot. So, I decided not to share that kind of thoughts. I mean, not everyone will accept or at least is in the same view. 

This year has been the hardest one ever. I think it affected not just me, but people in this whole world. Some still might have felt sparks, but some others have not. However, that does not become the reason that we cannot see the good side. Okay, as usual, this is not me if I am not putting some positive affirmations alike to my post. I am sorry, I do this a lot because my role model is Mahatma Gandhi. Okay, next.

People come and go. We do know that. That is exactly how the world works. Natural law. Okay, I am here not trying to be a philosopher. The life that has been given to me, it forces me to impersonate any one of them. I do question everything, but only to myself. If only I could ask someone whom I know well about it, I would do.

Okay, if I took a look at it a little closer, I actually already found the answer of my questions. Yes, the answer is natural law. However, it takes a almost a year for me to finally accept this law and what has been written to me since long ago. One of proverbs even says that time almost heals everything, but I do not think it applies on me (I'm sorry 😐). Maybe it will, and again, it is just a matter of time (oh well, 'time'). Yeah, I think you know where this is going. I am talking about losing.

I was, at first, thinking that 2014 was the year of biggest change that has ever happened to me. I was wrong. I want to say that this is the year of changing. For once, this pain of loss almost drove me insane like never before. Thankfully, I am still sober enough to face this truth. I am so blessed that this 'experience' has shaped me to be a much better version of me (okay, in my opinion). I am so lucky enough as well that this phase of my life really keeps me away from attached too much to worldly life. I am not saying I am not sad, but losing the one who opened your eyes how to live life sincerely, makes me want to make 'the legacy' lives on. I really want to spread to the world the noble value this person taught me. So that the world will be less filled with hatred.


Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash


Before I end this post, I really want to say this thing, my dear. We might have to use logic and think rationally. However, there are some particular things that cannot be processed with common sense. Some things that only work when you think intuitively. I am saying this not because I am an INFP which is exactly an intuitive person. Even before I knew this MBTI theory, I have used intuition more than my common sense — yes, since I was four years old. Okay, if you did not get what I mean by saying think intuitively, here it is the explanation. 

“When you're intuitive but unaware of it, your intuition might externalize itself, showing up as "signs from the Universe" that leave you in awe. It's almost as if intuition tries to get your attention internally first, but if you're not paying attention, your intuition will grab you by the outside world and shake you until you're listening.” — mindbodygreen.com


Yes, it sounds a bit weird, but I just cannot  let you go not knowing that I do believe in that 'signs from the Universe'. For once I thought it was just my 'unrealistic thoughts', but the last time I ignored it, I did feel regret. Regretting of why I kept ignoring that 'signs' which could let me at least 'prepare' myself for what will happen next.


It is going to be 2021, but I am still processing 2020. Thank you, 2020. You have been the greatest year I have been through so far. I have found the wonderful teacher, and so I wish you too, my lovely reader. Yes, it is 2020. May the new year will bring much better changes for all of us.


“Why does the star shine?

Mengapa bintang bersinar?

Why does the river flow? 

Mengapa air mengalir?

Why is the world spinning?”

Mengapa dunia berputar?

 

-Sherina, Lihatlah Lebih Dekat


Monday, May 04, 2020

Intersection on the Blank Map

“Did you enjoy singing backup?” said Caitlyn to Mitchie. Yeah, I think that Camp Rock’s dialogue is similar enough to the situation I am getting in. Mitchie is competent in singing, but her heart is not into the place she is in. As you already know that I am graduated now. The feeling of relief is there, yet the confusion as well. Because sometimes, there are some circumstances that force you to do something not your heart desire. I think that becomes the reason why some things did not work out because the heart and soul are not into it. I am sorry to make it not to the point. I just want to fill the blank… okay, I am just kidding.

Photo by Markus Leo on Unsplash

Of all the things we questioned, can we answer it with another point of view? I mean, let’s take an example. One might answer those questions with “because you’re lazy,” or “because you’re not fully accepting it,” or “because you’re not trying to do with sincere heart.” In my world, I would say “what if it wasn’t meant to be?” I know that would sound shallow because I directly cut it to the core. But that answer can be so meaningful if we can think about it a little deeper. Just take another allegory. You are the actor of a TV series. If the director said you will not appear in some episodes, it never happens. You will never be there. You are playing it, I know. But, if the director keeps saying no, what would you do? The problem then keeps going. How do you know that you will not be part of that episodes if no one tells you? I think by keep trying, sooner or later you will find it.

It just reminds me of my friend who said that I gave up on my previous college. Let me take you back to years when this was going. That was the thing I love the most. I had been waiting for that for almost eleven years. However, something did happen in the last minute. I kept on going though I knew and I believed that would not go well. After so many considerations, I finally quit college. Well, that might be seen as giving up. But once again, in my point of view, it is because, in the middle of the journey I found some factors. Those became the reasons why I did not continue while it was not few who believed I was a bit capable of doing it. Now, with the thing I achieved better, can I just say that it is fate?


 Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

So here we are. If you are now asking, what is the point of all of this shit I write, I would say it is all about finding what you are destined to be. I am holding a blank map and I am on the T-intersection, now. Even though sometimes I ask myself with these questions “what if,” or “would it be good or worse if I go there instead of there.” So, now, knowing that you are not fully in that series, why not try to find another role? Okay, it is so hard for me to say to the point. I… have not gotten my dream job. I even forget what it is. Okay, let’s eliminate that ‘dream.’ Now we have ‘job.’ A half of me feel like I have to find it. On the other hand, the rest feels like I have to take another thing I want. Well, to be honest, 80% of my heart, soul and thought are not into it. That sometimes makes me think that is why I have not gotten it yet. Other than that, it does not close my thought to the answer “maybe it definitely was not meant to be.” Some say maybe this is because I do not want to change my life cycle. In my opinion, “what if this is part of the story?” or “what if history wants to repeat itself?” It is still hard to convey what I actually want to say. But with the pictures I inserted in this post, I think it is well delivered :)


 Photo by MD Duran on Unsplash

Okay, now this part is the end of this post. It is not me if I did not put at least some optimistic ideas. One thing we have to be sure is, even though you are not achieving what you really want, at some point, everything is going for the sake of our goodness. It inevitably leads me to a statement that, not every “acceptance” will be good and not every “rejection” means bad. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. One more from me, if it is meant to be, it will be. But, if it was not, it never was. Okay, I am sorry. The last one is from Selena Gomez. LOL :D

Stay safe and stay healthy, guys. I hope this hard times will be over sooner. I cannot wait to go outside and travel around this city all day long! 💙

Saturday, October 05, 2019

What Have Gone Through


          Hello, guys! It has been a loooooong time. I actually wanted to write since a month ago, but I just do not know why I was so lazy to do it. The weather was the reason I guess. I felt that turning on this laptop or PC could increase the temperature. Moreover, the sun does not give the rain a chance to meet earth these days. Well well, poor earth. I think the earth has been really thirsty lately. Uhm anyway, I have just finished my undergraduate program. Yes, exactly a month ago. However, I have not graduated officially with ceremony. In another word, I have not gotten my official certificate yet. So, in my really spare time, waiting to be called for the interview, I would like to write something to this blog of mine. Yeah, something that is still part of my life around (of course, what else?).
          To begin with, I would like to write appreciation paragraph for my lecturers who have helped me during my study. Well, even though I know the chance of them to really visit, come, and read this blog is nearly impossible. I remembered the last thesis defence I faced. In that moment, I was asked whether I have something to say about. I, stupidly, said something in a really short sentence which sounded so “not a really grateful student” ahahaha. My dear lecturers please trust me that, I actually already prepared for that ten-minute-thank-you speech. But, standing alone in front of the class, while the moment was so damn formal, the speech had just gone to somewhere I do not even know where. So let me redo it again in here. Thank you for being the hero for this girl. A girl who is so obsessed with knowledge but is too lazy to explore. You have done a great job, a noble job ever (in my point of view). You all are the ones who ever really truly with sincere heart acknowledged something I have inside this brain. I truly cannot thank you all enough. You all are the key of future. Most of all, you all are so brave, having that courage to take the responsibility of making other people’s children smart. Well, not only did you make people smart, but also guided them to have appropriate manner. Maybe that is all I can say. I should have something more, but I am out of words. In essence, thank you for being a really good figure and inspiration to this lazy girl. You are the most crucial creatures that this world has.
          Okay now, I do not know what to write then. I do not have any interesting or significance story to share. I just have a bad feeling of what I experienced when I ordered something online. Yes, this year is combined with balance the good and the bad. I have finished my study in an exact time, but I got a really inconvenient experience. It happened in June. So, I ordered something online from abroad. But, until now, I have not received the package yet. Even though I already got the refund fully, I just hate the fact that the package has not arrived. I just do not know it has just lost or the seller sent it to the wrong address hmmm… I do not have the idea to reorder the same item from another shop because I still can not get rid of this feeling. Okay, just forget it.
          By the way, I want to share you some songs I have been listening to lately. Yes, it was really unintentional (again) when I discovered these songs. So, these are actually not new released songs. To remind you again, I am a phlegmatic. The internet says that, a phlegmatic sometimes yearns for something. Of course, they are more than just right. You know, the hiraeth feeling. Yes, feeling that I have been struggled for. Even though it is not physically seen, these songs just simply teleport me to that place. 
           The first song is titled Too Much Too Ask by Niall Horan. Well, to be honest, I am not really a fan of One Direction, but I do like to listen to their songs. If I were asked which one is my favorite member, the answer would be Niall Horan. So, when I just unintentionally discovered his song, I with a happy feeling listened to it. 

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ljXSjIph5ZM&list=PLM-BCcsazOaZ7TelxPIkOWH63dFASWBz1&index=12#

          Other than that, during listening to this song, I noticed that the chords used in this song are that my favorite four-changing chords – F C Am G. Click the image above to listen it on youtube. I actually found and listened the acoustic version first, but then I listened to the original version. Well, in my opinion it sounds a bit good. I know it is a bit late. This song was released two years ago, but I have just known it couple days ago ehehe. Anyway, I just feel that this song reminds me of the song Let It Go by James Bay. I think it is because the sound of the guitar. Moreover, it also reminds me back to a song by Ed Sheeran titled All of the Stars. The similarity can be heard on the interlude part. Yes, the notes I think a bit similar. I just feel so enough listening to this song. I mean, I usually have to listen to those two songs I mention one by one. With this song, I can finally hear that two songs in one. Yeah, everything at once. The song is about a broken-hearted feeling. But, I listen to it not because of that for sure. Like I said before, I feel like this song brings me to that place I am yearning for. I do not even know what it is, who is in there, and why exactly it feels like that. It is just that lovely. It is likely a kind of way of escaping from reality.

          The second song I found was the acoustic version of Montana by Owl City. Well, I actually already know this song and listened to it for hundred times. But, for acoustic version, I have known it just couple months ago. It sounds as good as the original and the alternate version. Maybe it is because it is Owl City!!! Click the image below to direct you to the song I mentioned.

https://youtu.be/iYgLwhok2dE

source: Owl City



          Yes, guys. I really recommend all Owl City’s songs! My songs library is full with his albums! It is all from the year 2008, until the latest album in 2017/18. He is so brilliantly talented for creating such a song. One reason why I love Owl City besides A Great Big World (Ian Axel and Chad King) is, I feel that Owl City perfectly draws and represents what inside my head through all of his songs. Well, it is mostly through the melodies not merely the lyrics. I mean, the lyrics are so something, but the melodies, the chords, the instruments or synth effects he chose in making the music, they are make it more artistry and artistic. By far, my favorite albums of him are Ocean Eyes (early album) and Cinematic (latest). To be specific, the songs I listen to a lot are Fireflies (of course), Vanilla Twilight, Meteor Shower, Hello Seattle, On the Wing, Back Home, My Everything, New York City, Cloud Nine, Montana (alt version), and the very very one which I love so much and makes me wondering why such a song exists… Firebird (alt version). If I were asked to rank top five best songs of him, I would pick Fireflies, Firebird, New York City, Cloud Nine, and My Everything. If it is shorted into top three, I would pick Fireflies, Firebird (alt version), and Cloud Nine. Fireflies is number one!!! I am sorry for the exclamation tag!!! But, for me, Owl City is out of this world and you should know more songs from him, not just the famous ones Fireflies and Vanilla Twilight! He is so much more of it!!!
          Okay, maybe that is all I can share with you guys in this very talkative post. To close this post, I will end this post by saying… May the rain will come sooner. These wall fans inside this house do not seem working. I am, too, craving for a drop of purity, chastity, and tranquility. To my readers, I hope God sooner makes the knot loose from the tongue and the heart. I hope too that we can get everything we need. Yes, we need, not what we want. Most of all, may God give those answers we have been looking for in the near future. Amen. Cheers!!! I love you all and thanks for the visit!!!