I wanna be...

He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right. I wonder if he knows, he's all I think about at night.
- Teardrops On My Guitar, Taylor Swift

Before you read this, I suggest you to play Teardrodps On My Guitar by Taylor Swift because this is a back sound of this real story of mine.

Mungkin buat mereka semua dan mereka berdua khususnya ini adalah berita gembira yang saat ini masih happening di sekolah, tapi engga buat gw. Buat gw ini adalah berita dimana hati gw bener-bener mencapai titik puncak broken heart. And now it’s only pieces.

When I've been trying to stay and survive this feeling, he got what he wanted.
Melihat mereka berdua berjalan di koridor sekolah, gw merasa gw berteriak di keramaian tapi engga ada seorang pun yang denger. Gw mengetahui berita ini dari ade kelas gw.

Malam, kira-kira jam sepuluh lewat engga seperti biasa, malam itu gw udah tidur nyenyak. Tiba-tiba adek gw bangunin gw dengan berkata "ka, ada sms." Dengan keadaan setengah tertidur gw membuka sms tersebut. Awalnya gw engga mengenali nomor itu, ketika gw baca sms itu, kesan pertama adalah gw engga percaya, gw berasa disamber petir. Gw langsung (berpura-pura) kembali tertidur... tapi deep down inside I forced myself to hold this tears, karena disitu ada nyokap dan adek gw. Begini isi smsnya.. "ka, ka David udah jadian" sampai saat ini gw masih engga percaya akan hal ini. Seorang yang gw tunggu sejak hampir satu tahun yang lalu, sekarang udah jadian. Yes, he has a girlfriend, now.

Paginya di sekolah.

Bel tanda masuk jam pelajaran pertama berbunyi sudah. Tapi guru yang bersangkutan engga hadir, akhirnya kelas ramai. Dan gw mulai bercerita sama sahabat-sahabat gw. Ketika dipertengahan cerita, mata gw mulai berkaca-kaca, gw engga bisa nahan lagi... and, my tears rolled down, my tears filled my eyes. I... cried... for the second time I cried because of him. I don't know why. And I still can't believe this.

Gw masih engga percaya sama berita itu, sampai akhirnya pada jam istirahat gw menghampiri adek kelas itu dan bertanya apakah berita itu bener atau engga.

Ketika sampai di lantai satu gw langsung menemui adek kelas itu, dan mulai bertanya-tanya tentang itu semua dan dia menjawab kalau berita itu bener dan engga bohong. Ketika gw sedang bercerita dengan adek kelas itu, salah satu teman dari ceweknya david menghampiri gw dan berkata "ka, kakak liat deh (sambil menunjuk ke arah david dan his gf)" gw langsung menoleh kearah yang ditunjuk oleh ade kelas itu....... and I saw them were sitting and were talking in front of the class. Dan adek kelas itu langsung meninggalkan gw. Dan, gw baru percaya setelah gw melihat itu... suddenly my heart beated fast and tears filled my eyes, adek kelas yang sedang bercerita itu berkata "kak, don't be cry, you have to be strong. you can past this." Gw langsung lemes after saw them, kaki gw berasa berat banget buat naikin tangga itu, I feel like I wanna faint. Gw langsung memutuskan untuk balik ke kelas. Gw engga mau berlama-lama menetap disana melihat mereka berdua. I'll bet she's beautiful.

Here I am, still confused, desperate, and wodering.

I don't know what should I do. Is it the end or a new tale has begun?

Walaupun sekarang keadaannya seperti ini, gw ikut berbahagia buat mereka, khususnya my D. Gw lebih baik melihat dia tersenyum bahagia daripada melihat dia galau... Ada kesenangan tersendiri ketika bisa melihat dia bahagia sama orang lain, I'm happy and love it when I can see him smile and laugh, even though that's not because of me. And here, I wanna thank you to my David, you've light up my world everyday, you make me like I'm whole again. Segala sesuatu yang udah dia kasih buat gw, entah itu sebuah senyum, sapaan, surprise, bahkan unexpected moment engga akan gw lupain gitu aja. Because, even though he broke my heart but, dia juga yang membuat gw tersenyum. Mungkin cinta sejati engga berpihak sama gw. I believe the love was overrated. I know I don't deserve. But, she deserves it. Even though he's hers, now. But, dia engga berubah. Dia tetap nyapa gw, senyum ke gw, bahkan jum'at kemarin gw beserta temen-temen gw, dia, adek dan kakak kelas lainnya berkumpul dan nyanyi bareng yang diiringi oleh suara gitar, bukan dengan piano. Damn, I miss the moment. Where the moment we shared together.


And, you have to know.
Here, there's a girl who loves you more.
Waiting for you to open your heart, and waiting for you to feel it.
Trying to be better. And wanna be the one who holds you tight.


Cinta itu engga harus memiliki, karena cinta itu senang melihat orang yang dicintai bahagia.
Sometimes the best way to stay close to someone you love is by being just a friend.
Congratulations, for being a new couple. Longlast and keep love each other. I still love you.

Abstraction

October 16th 2012, my lovely high school held a party to celebrate the anniversary of my school.
There were so many things happened before the party.

You have to know that music is the only thing that keeps me closer to him. Because, without music there are nothing else to talk with him. And music is the thing that brought me to him. Yes, just and only music.

Saat itu kelas gw ingin menampilkan pensi berupa musikalisasi puisi, dan lagu-lagu yang harus gw bawakan cukup banyak. Sekitar tujuh lagu pop Indonesia dan empat lagu instrument yang dimainkan tanpa henti. Ada beberapa lagu yang gw engga bisa dan engga tau chordnya even though I asked mr. google about the chord but it sounded so freak, akhirnya temen gw meminta bantuan sama kakak kelas tersebut alias 'David Archie'. Dan pada hari kamis 11/10/12 dia datang ke kelas gw dan ngajarin gw. He sat beside me. And finally, I saw his pretty fingers were playing those keyboard. When he wanted to see the lyrics of the song, he touched my hand. Damn, I just got nervous, so I just smile at my friends. God, I love him. Swear, you know I'm not lying. Can't you see my heart is waiting here for you?. Waiting for you to feel it. I've been hoping that you will realize someday.

Three days later.

Hari Minggu. Semua murid kelas sebelas yang mengisi acara harus datang ke sekolah untuk gladi bersih. Saat kelas gw mendapat giliran, gw mulai memainkan keyboard itu. Aaaaaaaaaaaand, there was an error on me when I played those keyboard. Gw engga bisa main chord diam, gw bisanya chord jalan. Karena lagu yang gw mainkan termasuk lagu bertempo diatas 90 otomatis gw harus main chord diam, dan itu susah! Iya, buat gw susah banget! Dan, akhirnya setelah gladi bersih selesai temen gw meminta bantuan lagi sama dia. Gw engga ada keberanian sedikit pun untuk meminta bantuan sama dia, engga tau kenapa. Padahal sebenarnya gw mau banget minta bantuan dia. Dan ketika dia udah datang ke ruangan itu, dia mulai ngajarin gw. Sebelum ngajarin, dia sempet menitipkan dompetnya ke gw. Iya, gw disuruh megangin dompetnya! Suruh pegang dompetnya aja gw seneng banget! Iya, gw gila. Hanya hal sekecil itu aja gw seneng banget. Yeah, every little thing he does that makes me fall in love.



Two days later.

16/10/12 The party has begun. Menunggu kelasan gw dipanggil untuk tampil di atas panggung. Dan, ketika kelas gw mendapat giliran untuk tampil, David lah yang menjadi MC. On the stage, gw rada nervous dan sedikit demam panggung. Ketika gw sedang memainkan keyboard itu, sesekali gw menoleh ke arah dia, dan ternyata dia ikut menyanyikan lagu yang gw mainkan dan dinyanyikan oleh temen-temen gw itu. Ada kesenangan tersendiri ketika melihat dia ikut bernyanyi. Dan, gw ada kepuasan tersendiri karena diantara instrument yang gw mainkan, salah satunya adalah instrument favorite gw. Instrument yang mengingatkan gw saat pertama kalinya gw bertemu dan kenal sama dia. Yeah, River Flows In You. Such a touchable song. Ketika penampilan dari kelas gw udah berakhir, dia memberi komentar. Sampai saat ini gw masih inget komentarnya. 'Gimana sama musikalisasi puisinya? Itu tadi nyentuh banget' begitulah komentarnya sekaligus bertanya sama para penonton. Di bawah panggung gw senyum-senyum sendiri engga jelas ketika mendengar komentar itu.

Beberapa jam kemudian, giliran dia dan temennya untuk tampil.

I saw him was sitting on the chair on that stage. And then, I saw him was singing a song with his friends followed by sound of guitar. Damn, I love his voice! Dia menyanyikan lagu medley, Inggris-Indonesia. Saat itu dia mengenakan kemeja warna hitam. Perpaduan yang cocok sama seragam abu-abunya. And on that day, he looked so gorgeous!

Beberapa menit kemudian, suddenly seorang MC memanggil nama gw dari atas panggung. Langsunglah gw menghampirinya, dan tiba-tiba gw langsung berpapasan sama dia. I saw his adorable smile. Dia bertanya something ke gw kenapa gw dipanggil, gw pun menjawabnya kalau gw disuruh mengiringi murid kelas sepuluh ketika mereka tampil nanti. Karena gw engga pernah latihan sama mereka, gw pun menjelaskan sama dia kalau gw engga tau harus main di chord apa, akhirnya dia menawarkan untuk bertanya langsung sama ade kelas yang bersangkutan. Disaat  itu gw engga berpikiran untuk mengikuti dia, tapi ketika dia udah setengah jalan, tiba-tiba dia noleh ke belakang dan berkata "Isyhari, ikut aja. ." akhirnya gw menurutinya. Dan, akhirnya gw menuju ruangan dimana ade kelas itu berada. I was walking by his side and following his footsteps, seeing his smile, and seeing him when the wind was blowing his hair. I don't know how many times I should tell you that I love him. Ketika murid kelas sepuluh itu sudah meninggalkan ruangan menuju ke panggung, suddenly one of them almost faint. Dan, ketika salah satu dari mereka mau pingsan, yang menuntun murid tersebut ke kelas itu adalah David. Yeah, David Archie yang tadinya berjalan di sebelah gw suddenly turned around and walked by her side to take her to some room. 

Dia emang kebangetan baik sama siapa aja. Jujur, dia satu-satunya kakak kelas yang baiknya kelewatan sama ade kelas. Dan dia selalu tersenyum. And I love him when he smiles, even though that's not because of me. Seorang kakak kelas yang susah untuk ditemukan di dunia ini. Mungkin cuma ada satu dibanding enam milyar orang di dunia ini.
Well, I'm still right here waiting for him and for the right time to tell him about this feeling. And of course I still love him. Gw engga tau apakah setelah dia lulus nanti masa-masa SMA gw akan tetap indah tanpa ada dia di sekitar gw, tanpa melihat senyum dia di setiap harinya, tanpa mendengar suaranya memanggil nama gw, dan tanpa melihat dia memainkan keyboard milik sekolah itu. Dan, apakah gw akan bertemu sama dia lagi ketika gw udah lulus nanti?

God, please give me strength and courage to show and tell him that I love him. Actually, I can tell him whenever I want, but I'm just not ready to hear his opinion about this. I'm not ready and not brave enough. Someday, I will tell him. And, Of course I still love him.

confused

it's been so long didn't write a post to this blog of mine. So many things that 'maybe' I have to share, hehehe...

First, I have to tell you that now I am 16 years old.
Second, Now I am on 11th grade, and I am on science class, again: s.c.i.e.n.c.e class...
And third, I'm still 'galau' because of 'david archie'...

Yeah, you have to know that he gave me more, more, and more attention and he successfully made me happy and confused at the same time. Happy and confused because what he's done to me. Confused, because it seems like he can read my mind, he knows what I feel, and he knows what I want. It seems he knows my favorite song, he knows that I'm happy if he calls my name, and he knows that I love him. I don't know what's happening

I got a beautiful surprise on 'the day after' my birthday from all my classmate, got a 'mini' tart, greetings, wishes, and candles. This was a best birthday ever in my life. I never got the one at school before. I just celebrate it with the fams not with friends. While I was busy with the tart my friends called him and they asked him to take a pic with me and yes, he did (I don't wanna post the pic to this). It made me flew like a bird inside, it made me wondering inside. "why does he want to do that to me?" "does he know that I love him?" "can he hear my heart is calling him?" . Yeah, no one ever know the answer... Before the surprise, he met me and said '(calling my name), happy birthday. wish you all the best and bla bla bla. I'm sorry I haven't enough time to make a video for you' . Ohyeah, I don't know what he meant.. Again, it made me wondering and confused.

I still silent. Keep the truth right inside of me even though he is single, now. I'm not brave enough and not ready to tell the truth. Maybe the time is not right, I don't know how long I should wait for the right time. But, it will never change my affection for him. I'll be waiting. No matter what.


And, I'm confused with the major in college that I will take. Yore when I was 7th I aspired to be a dance teacher and music teacher. I will study at Jakarta Institute of Art (IKJ) and study hard to get a scholarship to study in the USA. But, my parents don't agree with me. They want me to study at Universitas Negeri Jakarta (UNJ) majored in architecture/civil engineering. They said that music and dance just a hobbies not a job.
I don't know what should I do. I really want to be a dance teacher and music teacher who will teach everyone about art. Become a musician and get a scholarship to study in the USA is my dreams and my target!

I don't know why everything around me makes me confused. I hate this situation. But, still I have a dream and I love him.

Happy fasting all!

best week

7 May-11 May 2012
was a great week for me.

here in detail.

Monday, 7 May 2012
when the school time was over, I stayed at school for a while.
I sat on the chair in front of my class while I waited for my friends,
then other friends said: hey, turn around!
me: I turned, and I saw him walked.
friends: "cieeee cieeee, eheeeem"
me: ssssssttt.....
him: hey, did you see a plastic bag, its color was white?
me: ummm, no I don't. can you describe it?
friends: (suddenly she said) oh, maybe on there.
him: oh yes, it is. thanks!
friends: you're welcome.
him: hey, thank you (he said to me and he gave a smile)
me: oh yes, you're welcome. (smiling back)
I just think that a little thing he gave to me is the biggest gift for me. I don't know why.

Tuesday, 8 May 2012
on breaktime, after midday prayers(sholat dzuhur) my friends and I sat on the chair in front of the class.
waiting for the next teacher come.
I talked with Aca and Christin and the others was busy with their stuff (read: handphone).
Suddenly, he came and (yeah) my friends called him to take a pic with him and the other one called me to joined with them. I reject them. The reason is........ I'm shy!
I know I'm regret it, now. But that was the best decision.
The other reason is I already took a pic with him on Wednesday after the ceremony of  Hari Pendidikan Nasional. Even though I reject their offer to take a pic with him I was happy, because I saw his adorable smile.

Wednesday, 9 May 2012
This is my favorite day! because there's a music lesson on wednesday!
I made a promise to my friends, when the school time was over I would spend a little time with them. They want to take a piano keyboard lessons with me. Then, when the time was right I beg my teacher to borrow the keyboard.
In the class I stared playing the keyboard and started to teach them.
Suddenly my others friends came and joined with us. They let the door open.
When we were playing with the keyboard, one of my friends saw him and (yeah) she shouted his name and said: hey, please teach us how to play the keyboard.
I know they called him because of me. They know I loved him.
Yeah, they said "hey, please teach us how to play the keyboard." but in the end they begged him to play a song. And, you know what? he played the song! the first song which he taught me on the first time we met. -> River Flows In You. Very entertaining!
After that, my friends said: one more. we want more. Then he played some song for us.
And this is the best scene. Suddenly he said: oh I know, maybe this one. he played the melody and followed by singing the song. This is the second time I heard him sang a song. I love his voices!
Yeah, I realized he is my favorite singer, with his random song, untitled album and his great voices.
I stared at him and smiling. At the same time I cried, so I turned and wipe the tears. That was a touchable moment. I really really love him.

Thursday, 10 May 2012
I waited for the bus. I saw him crossing the street.
Then I called my friends and said: OMG, who is that?
When he was near us, one of my friends called his name: Hi, .....!
Then he turned and looked at her and said hi, followed by waved at her and me.
Again, he gave a smile. I love his adorable smile.
Oh yeah, I know that was a very very very little thing. But, I was feeling happy, glad and maybe so ecstatic.

Friday, 11 May 2012
After Friday prayers(sholat jumat) I sat on the chair in front of the class and was busy with the phone. I saw him on the corridor, but he doesn't.
When I stared to fiddling with my phone, he walked but he was busy talking with his friend. I saw him but he doesn't and I just waved behind him (just like a stupid girl). Suddenly my friends shouted to him: Hi, don't you know she tried to waved at you but you didn't realized?
Then he turned around and said: oh, I'm sorry, I don't know.
Then I said: No, she lied! (yeah you know I lied)
him: sorry sorry, okay goodbye. (said and laugh and smile)
me: hehehe, okay okay.
after that I begged my friend to don't ever do like this again in the future. My friends just smile.

I thank God for gave me the special moment in this week. Still can't believe he was around me even by my side for a whole week. I feel so blessed by God. And I can't thank enough!
God, thanks for gave me the best things, and bless the boy who gave me the little attention, and tell him that I love him. No one like him.

untold

this untold feeling, is the unspoken story.

it's a mystery to them. *maybe
and it's a hope to me, and he's my last hope.
It's like I was screaming in the crowd and no one can hear.
I know I did this because I don't want to get a "bad" ending just like the one before. And exactly that was a traumatic experience.

I'm still on my way. But, Is it will be a suffering? Waiting for him to know what I feel inside and wishing that he will love me like the way I do... *sigh
I have no wishing to become someone hated. I know that someday I'll be loved by someone.
Yeah, I'm very ambitious. . . and little bit stubborn.

I've had a hard struggle against a "holy" love. But, in the end I gave up without a struggle.

Now, everything's changed.
Wondering if I could tell him that I really love him, will I get a happy ending? ohyeah, it doesn't influence!


keep fight for your own love, the love awaits you!

Introduction

8 Desember 2011

Pagi hari menjelang siang, kira-kira jam setengah sembilan. Gw udah tiba di sekolah, untuk melaksanakan ulangan semester satu. Gw langsung mencari dimana temen-temen gw berada, ternyata mereka semua ngumpul di kantin. Langsunglah gw ngumpul sama mereka semua. Niat ingin baca buku lagi buat mengingat semua pelajaran yang udah dipelajari, ternyata Aca malah menyodorkan hp-nya sambil bertanya "sar, lu bisa main lagu ini engga?" Langsunglah gw dengerin lagu yang dimaksud tersebut. Disaat yang bersamaan gw engga bisa bilang bisa/engga, akhirnya gw bilang gw janji bakal main lagu itu kalau pelajaran musik tiba. (secara engga langsung gw menjawab engga bisa, dan mau belajar buat main lagu yang sama sekali belum pernah gw denger itu). Tiba-tiba seorang kakak kelas masuk ke kantin yang disertai dengan Aca yang nanya sama kakak kelas itu "Ka, bisa main lagu ini engga?" Sepintas gw nengok ke arah kakak kelas itu, gw emang kenal sama dia tapi untuk saat itu gw engga tau namanya gw cuman tau dia itu yang pernah ngiringin anak padus nyanyi saat 17 Agustus dan dia pernah ikut LDKS. Dia coba dengerin lagu itu untuk beberapa saat, akhirnya dia menjawab "susah, serius deh". First, gw ngerasa aneh sama kakak kelas itu, dia itu pernah ngiringin anak padus pas 17 Agustus tapi kenapa dia bilang lagu itu susah? Ok, emang lagu itu kedengerannya susah banget buat gw yang masih pemula, tapi gw merasa kakak kelas itu udah  "profesional" untuk memainkan sebuah piano tapi kenapa dia bilang lagu itu susah? Ok, akhirnya gw (ikut-ikutan) nanya sama kakak kelas itu bagaimana teknik penjariannya, dia jawab "begini". End dari conversations gw, Aca dan kakak kelas itu adalah kakak kelas itu ngasih nomor hp-nya sambil berkata "kalo mau belajar, sms gw aja". Setelah kakak kelas itu berlalu gw nanya sama Aca "Ca, yang kakak kelas yang tadi namanya siapa? kelas berapa?", "Emang kenapa? Namanya David *archie (disamarkan) kelas sebelas IPA" jawab Aca. "Oh, engga kenapa-kenapa, bukannya dia yang pernah main keyboard pas 17-an?" tanya gw. "Iya" jawab Aca. Sejenak gw berpikir "Finally gw tau juga nama kakak kelas itu, akankah gw bisa berduet tampil sama dia suatu hari nanti? hahaha".

9 Desember 2011

Keesokan harinya gw ngumpul lagi bareng temen-temen gw, tapi engga di kantin lagi melainkan di depan kelas gw. Disaat gw dan temen-temen lagi nunggu selesainya kelas 12 ujian tiba-tiba kakak kelas itu lewat di depan kita semua, seperti biasa Aca yang nyapa duluan setelah ngobrol bla bla bla, akhirnya dia ngobrol sama gw (tanpa disadari dan disengaja), kakak kelas itu ngasih tips gitu ke gw, katanya kalo mau beli piano yang keluaran lama aja, jangan yang keluaran tahun sekarang soalnya "touch" engga dapet suaranya engga terlalu bagus.
Dan sekarang gw udah membuktikan tips kakak kelas itu 100% bener. Pernah di Blok M square ada stand piano gitu, gw coba mainin salah satu piano merek Jerman dan suaranya emang bagus banget pas gw tanya sama pemilik stand itu "pak keluaran tahun berapa?" dia jawab keluaran tahun 80 dek. Ok, gw tau piano itu bukan piano produksi baru alias second harganya 20 jutaan tapi lebih bagus piano itu ketimbang yang disebelah gw sekalipun disebelah gw adalah merek terkenal yang juga piano second yang harganya 25 jutaan, pas gw tanya lagi sama pemilik stand piano-nya "pak, yang ini keluaran tahun berapa?" dia menjawab "kalo yang ini keluaran tahun 2010 dek, makanya harganya lebih mahal". Sejenak gw berpikir ternyata saran dari kakak kelas itu bener dan gw berpendapat kenapa yang keluaran lama lebih murah daripada keluaran baru? sedangkan suaranya lebih bagus keluaran lama ketimbang keluaran yang baru. Mungkin penjual itu cuma liat dari mereknya bukan dari bagus/engganya suara piano itu, lupakan sajalah.

14 Desember 2011

Sekolah gw akan kedatangan tamu dari timnas U20 Samsir Alam. Sebenernya sehabis pulang sekolah gw berniat buat langsung pulang, tapi karena gw "kepo" sama yang namanya Samsir Alam akhirnya gw memutuskan untuk nunggu dia datang (maklum gw engga terlalu fanatik sama sepak bola Indonesia). Disaat gw lagi nugguin dia datang gw ke kantin dulu bareng Aca dan yang lainnya buat beli makanan dan disaat yang bersamaan kakak kelas itu datang lagi (mungkin dia juga mau beli something di kantin itu) dan lagi lagi Aca yang ngajak ngbrol duluan. Kali ini yang Aca tanya bukan mengenai piano melainkan gitar, Aca nanya tentang penjarian gitar dan chordnya, dia jawab bla bla bla dan dia bilang "tapi gw engga terlalu kalo gitar, gw lebih ke piano" dari situ gw berpikiran "It seems dia seperti gw yang gila banget sama piano". Ok, sejak saat itu gw sama kakak kelas itu sering banget ketemu ditambah lagi akan ada acara pensi sekolah yang bikin gw sama dia semangat banget buat ngisi acara itu.

19 Desember 2011

Tepat tiga hari sebelum pensi di mulai. Malemnya gw agak ragu buat nanyain dia tentang pensi itu, tapi kembaran gw maksa gitu "ya allah gitu doang takut banget sih, sini gw yang tanyain" begitulah jawaban dia pas gw nanya sama dia "apa harus gw nanya sama kakak kelas itu ada gladi bersih atau engga?". Akhirnya gw memustuskan untuk nanya sama dia via facebook, berhubung gw engga punya pulsa. haha! berikut adalah beberapa obrolan gw sama dia
gw: ka ngisi acara engga?
him: iya ngisi kok kayaknya banyakan nyanyinya tapi, hehe
gw: oo.. oiya kaa, ada gladi bersihnya engga sih ka??? aku takut demam panggung... hahaha
him: ada ko, kalo mau latihan bilang pak bambang aja
gw: ooo... oke ka makasih ya
him: rencna mau main apa? river flows in you?
gw: iya kak, isya allah. tapi kalo river flows in you masih kurang lancar.. jadi antara itu sama my heart will go on ka.. kaka juga main keyboard?
him: gini, pertamanya nanti gw ngeband n nyanyi, yang kedua gua ngiringin temen gua nyanyi pake piano
gw: ooo.... tadinya pengen ada yang nyanyi, eh terus engga jadi, akhirnya kepikiran buat ansamble biola+gitar+keyboard, tapi yang main biola engga bisa lagunya... makanya bingung banget.
him: ayooo semangat lah

itu adalah obrolan pertama gw sama dia via jejaring sosial.. hahaha
sejak moment itu gw engga berani lagi buat ngobrol/ nyapa dia, engga tau kenapa. -____-"
intinya gw itu orangnya engga bakal ngobrol sebelum diajak ngobrol, engga bakal nyapa sebelum disapa duluan, jadi bukannya sombong/ apa tapi yang jelas gw itu engga bakal ngomong sebelum diajak.

21 Desember 2011

Setelah insiden itu, gw lebih milih menghindar dari dia because I'm afraid I will fall in love with him.. haha -___-" tapi gw ngerasa he's trying to get my attention, that's why I can't stay away. Jadwal sekolah saat itu free dari yang namanya KBM karena diisi acara pertandingan futsal. Ketika gw dan temen-temen engga ada kerjaan gw berpikiran untuk latihan nyanyi aja buat ngisi acara pensi jumat besok. Gw dan temen gw pun langsung ke ruang guru bertujuan untuk minjem keyboardnya but, guru gw bilang "keyboardnya dipinjem sama David bilang aja sama dia". Gw langsung noleh ke arah temen gw dengan wajah cengir-cengir kayak orang gila, gw bilang sama temen gw "lu aja ya yang minta, gw engga berani".  Sampai akhirnya istirahat tiba gw sama temen-temen gw menghampiri kantin to buy some food, selesainya dari kantin gw denger ada suara keyboard di kelas IPA 3 langsunglah gw bilang "ohmygod, dia ada di dalem!!" temen-temen gw bilang "udah engga apa-apa kali sar masuk aja" ok, gw tetep pada pendirian gw, gw engga berani. Finally, temen gw Ghania yang masuk dan minta untuk minjem keyboardnya buat latihan, kakak kelas itu menjawab "udah masuk aja engga apa-apa kok". Gw ya gw, tetep aja engga berani sekalipun dia yang suruh gw masuk ke dalem kelas itu yang rata-rata semuanya adalah anak kelas sebelas. Akhirnya gw menjawab sambil cengir-cengir engga jelas "yah, lagi dipake ya kak, yaudah deh engga apa-apa pake dulu aja ka" yeah, like a stupid girl, haha. Dia nanya lagi "mau latihan dimana?" gw dan temen-temen gw menjawab "di sepuluh satu ka". -Sampai akhirnya kakak kelas itu datang ke kelas gw-
Disinilah dia memainkan lagu Canon-nya Pachelbel, lagu yang touchable banget. He got my attention exactly, disaat gw dan temen-temen gw had a lunch yang bikin gw berlari  ke arah kakak kelas itu dan ngeliatin dia main (apa deh, engga jelas banget gw ya?).
Sampai akhirnya temen-temen gw pulang dan hanya gw sama Viki yang ditemenin sama boyfriend-nya untuk stay di sekolah untuk beberapa saat. Agak lama emang ketika gw menghabiskan waktu sama dia hanya gara-gara sebuah keyboard. suddenly Viki begged me to accompanied her to buy some food, ok gw menyanggupinya. Di luar, Viki bilang sama gw "I think you love him" gw cuma cengir-cengir dan jawab "engga vik, engga mungkin, serius deh" disaat yang bersamaan gw mulai bertanya-tanya dalam hati apa bener gw terlihat suka sama dia, gw kan baru kenal sama dia?

22 Desember 2011

Sehari sebelum pensi akhirnya semua siswa yang mengisi acara harus ngumpul di lantai lima buat gladi bersih. Gw dan temen-temen yang ngisi acara langsung ngumpul ke lantai lima, setelah dapet giliran mereka semua turun ke lantai satu kecuali gw, Viki, dan Apin. Tau-tau kakak kelas itu datang untuk gilirannya dia latihan, pas dia lagi latihan itu dia main lagu yang dimaksud Aca tersebut yang membuat gw, Viki, dan Apin saying "ohmygod lagunya!" Setelah dia selesai dia turun ke lantai satu dengan sedikit basa basi sama gw, Viki dan Apin. Ternyata pendapat mereka berdua sama kalo gw terlihat menyukai kakak kelas tersebut. Gw menyangkal pendapat mereka dengan jawaban "engga kok, gw cuma ngerasa nyambung aja ngobrol sama dia, soalnya hal yang diobrolin sama-sama hal yang kita ngerti". setiap hari gw melontarkan kalimat yang sama ketika temen-temen gw mulai "men- cie cie" kan gw sama dia. Entah kenapa gw takut dia ngerasa risih ketika suatu saat nanti gw diteriakan "cie-cie" didepannya. Gw juga selalu berusaha tenang didepan dia, tapi untuk ngilangin rasa salting itu susahnya bukan main apalagi ketika dia nyapa gw di depan temen-temen gw. Gw seneng banget kalo dia nyapa gw, tapi gw males aja sama temen-temen gw yang engga pernah capek buat teriak "cieeeeeee".

menurut gw semua hal di atas adalah masa-masa di mana gw sama dia dalam masa "introduction" haha! -___-"
sejak saat itu setiap gw sama dia papasan pasti dia nyapa gw. Entah kenapa gw ngerasa seneng aja kalo disapa apalagi kalo disetiap sapaannya dia nyebut nama gw, I feel like I'm whole again.

banyak moment yang bagi gw indah banget, antara lain pas dia sms gw, apalagi kalo jam istirahat dia datang ke kelas gw walaupun tujuannya bukan ketemu sama gw (hahaha mau banget ditemuin gw ya?).
Yeah, mungkin semua temen gw bener "I fall in love with him" walaupun begitu gw engga akan ngomong sama kakak kelas itu akan perasaan gw sama dia, Yeah because he loves another girl engga mungkin gw ngomong sama dia disaat dia lagi masa pendekatan sama perempuan itu kesannya aneh aja, kecuali dia free alias single dan terbebas dari hal hal romance gitu (?) mungkin gw akan bilang yang sejujurnya sama dia atas semua hal yang udah terjadi antara gw sama dia. Yeah, walaupun engga secara langsung gw berterima kasih banget sama dia karena udah bikin gw "fly without wings" setiap harinya. Gw tau banyak beribu-ribu cowok yang suka musik tapi menurut gw untuk nemuin seorang cowok yang bisa main piano itu susah karena rata-rata cowok musik lebih dominan ke gitar, drum, dan terompet/saxophone. Dan gw merasa dia spesial aja di mata gw karena pada akhirnya gw menemukan seorang cowok yang bisa main piano yang berada di sekitar gw, selain itu sifatnya dia itu engga terlalu senioritas banget dengan kata lain "he tries to make everyone feels comfort" yang korbannya adalah gw. Yeah, walaupun ada juga sebagian temen gw yang berkomentar miring tentang dia gw cuma anggap angin lewat aja. They don't know about him, mereka hanya menilai dari luarnya aja, maybe if someday mereka semua kenal sama dia they will know the reason why I love him.
Kadang gw suka berpikir "kenapa gw harus kenal sama dia kalau pada akhirnya he loves another girl"
Yeah, mungkin emang udah takdir gw sama dia, kenal tapi hanya sebatas temen, engga lebih.
It's all because of you God, thanks for introducing him to me.

bye the way, I found a twitter account which is so great to follow. Their tweets are real like mine. Don't you want to follow them right now and retweet their tweets? haha (promosi :p) should I mention they follow back? :)

The Second Time

I'm so glad you made time to see me.
-Taylor Swift, Back to December

Kau hadir di sini, dibatas kerinduanku.
-Vina Panduwinata, September Ceria


Itu adalah beberapa potongan bait lagu yang menggambarkan perasaan gw pada saat itu.
Disaat gw udah engga bisa nahan diri gw buat menghindar dari dia.
OK, gw tau gw udah coba berulang kali buat menghindar dari dia, tapi kenyataannya susah.

Okay, mungkin udah God's plan.
Seperti biasa, jumat siang.
Sehabis solat jumat, gw minta izin guru gw buat pinjem keyboardnya.

Disaat jari-jemari gw mulai memainkan lagu itu.
Gw berharap banget dia datang.
Duduk disebelah gw.
Gila-gilaan bareng. Mungkin duet bareng main lagu yang kita berdua tau.
Disitulah gw udah engga niat banget buat ngajarin temen-temen gw.
Gw tau temen-temen gw engga sabar minta diajarin lagu yang disuruh sama guru gw.
Tapi gw udah kebawa susana galau.
I stared at tuts keyboard, it reminded me the last day he taught me how to play the song.
The last day when we were playing keyboard together.

Mungkin engga ada sepuluh menit gw ngajarin temen gw.
Lagu yang gw ajarin pun bukan lagu yang disuruh sama guru gw.
Gw malah ngajarin lagu favorit gw --> River Flows In You.
Itu juga belum ke bagian Reff-nya.
Beda banget sama hari jumat sebelumnya.
Gw berhasil ngajarin temen gw lagu My Heart Will Go On.
Dari bagian Intro sampai mendekati Reff.

Hari itu beda banget sama hari-hari sebelumnya.
Engga ada semangat banget buat ngerjain sesuatu hal yang berguna.
Mungkin temen-temen gw ngerasain itu semua.
Akhirnya mereka semua mutusin buat pergi ke toko buku.
Gw nolak ajakan mereka. I just wanna stay there just for a while.
Okay, mereka pergi tanpa gw.

Ketika gw merasa puas karena sukses menyendiri beberapa saat, akhirnya gw mutusin buat pulang.
Entah kenapa ada seseorang yang berjalan dan menyebut nama gw.
Disaat gw sedang merapikan buku gw yang berserakan di atas meja, pas gw noleh ternyata orang itu dia. Dia yang udah gw tunggu selama seminggu ini, dan dia orang yang gw galau-in akhir-akhir ini.
Entah mengapa gw bersemangat lagi.
Tapi dalam hati gw bertanya "Is it real?"
Seorang yang gw tunggu-tunggu ada di depan gw.
Okay, gw masih engga percaya. -Sampai saat ini-

Karena kelas gw udah di booking buat eskul PMR akhirnya gw sama dia pindah tempat.
Setelah mencari-cari kelas yang kosong, finally we got it!
3rd floor. XI science 2.
Dan, okay gw engga jadi pulang.

And, you know what? I wanna faint.
Sampai sekarang gw masih engga nyangka aja hal itu bakal terjadi.
Well, the classroom was empty. Just we both.
Okay, sama seperti sebelum-sebelumnya. I was nervous.
Okay, akhirnya dia yang mulai dengan pertanyaan.
Setelah tau apa yang gw mau, mulailah dia memainkan tuts-tuts keyboard itu.
That was the second time i saw him played keyboard.
I sat beside him. I remembered his voice in the way he talked.
I remembered... His Grace in the way he played the keyboard.
I remembered... His Scent. Does he know that I love him?

Well, when I got what I wanted, He asked me to play classic song.
Okay, ada banyak lagu klasik yang gw tau. Für Elise, Canon, Moonlight Sonata, Greenleeves, Toreador, Beethoven's Fifth Symphony, Turkish March, dan masih banyak lagi lagu klasik yang gw tau tapi gw engga tau judulnya. Cuma ada tiga lagu yang udah gw kuasain teknik penjarian dan chord pianonya, Für Elise, Canon, dan Greenleeves.
Okay, dia minta lagu Canon, lagu yang touchable banget buat gw.
Endingnya, gw bertanya apa dia bisa main lagu Greenleeves.
Akhirnya dia minta gw buat main satu bait dari lagu tersebut.
OK, he can played the song.

Waktu pun terus berjalan, dan gw bingung bagaimana cara untuk mengakhiri pertemuan sore itu.
Well, ternyata dia sama seperti gw. Ketika udah stuck banget sama keyboard/piano kita akan melupakan hal disekitar kita. Sore itu dia menanyakan banyak lagu ke gw. Dan hanya beberapa lagu yang gw tau. Diantaranya adalah Imagine-nya John Lenon.
Gw pun masih engga percaya dia bisa play lagu itu.
Menurut gw itu something banget, ketika tau dia bisa play lagu itu.
Ketika gw dan dia udah kehabisan lagu buat di mainkan, akhirnya hujanlah yang memisahkan kita berdua. Hujan di sore itu, memisahkan gw disaat gw lagi bahagia.
Gw masih inget apa yang dia lakuin sebelum ninggalin kelas itu.
He wrote his signature on the whiteboard. Haha!

Pertemuan sore jum'at itu,meninggalkan kesan yang engga bisa dilupakan buat gw.
Yeah, I know he's busy with his romance.
Tapi menurut gw, seenggaknya dia udah meluangkan waktunya buat gw.
Yeah, walaupun engga setiap hari. Hehe..

Bagi gw, perhatian kecilnya itu adalah hmm you know what I meant ;).
Karena menurut gw, Cinta itu saling mengisi.
Cinta itu saling berbagi. Cinta itu saling mendukung satu sama lain.
Cinta itu kebersamaan. Cinta itu engga harus selalu dekat.
Dan Cinta itu senang melihat orang yang dicintai bahagia.

Haha, sorry ya jadi galau..
Okay, gw tetap pada pendirian gw.
I don't wanna tell him the truth.
Biarlah dia tau perasaan gw dengan sendirinya.

Broken Heart.

It has been nice story before.
Now. . .

Every now and then I fall apart.

I don't know how to hide this feeling.
Day by day this feeling won't go away.
Until the day almost come,
I'm here with a pain.
A pain in my heart.
No one can heal.

I thought my love story will be the best one than fairy tales.
But, I'm wrong.
Now, everything he did just wanna make me cry.
Now, he's so in love with the girl.
And I'm here with dumb stare just wondering.
I wonder if he knows that he's all I think about at night.

Since he found her, I thought he's changed.
He never talk to me whenever he's with her.
I remember the day he said "wanna be"
And at the same time I just smile. Exactly, a fake smile.
I remember the last night he chatted with me.
I remember the day he taught me how to play my favourite song on keyboard.
I remember how he treated me so good.
And I remember when the first time we met.


I wanna tell him the truth.
But, I'm too afraid to say. I'm too shy.
When he said he's in love, I felt like I was drowning.
Thought he loved me. Thought he cared about me. Thought he felt the same way.
But, I'm wrong.
He made me down. He tore my heart.
I just wanna stay away from him.
Because it's too late.


I said before, Now I don't wanna do the thing like before.
I don't wanna tell the boy I love.
I wanna let him know by himself.


This broken heart still survive.
While he got what he wanted.
I know she's beautiful. She's smart. And she's a kind person.
She better hold him tight, love him and treats him so good.
I think she's lucky.


But, I'm here wondering.
Why he made me smile. Why he made me laugh. Why he made me so ecstatic.
Why he made me feel that he loved me.
Can he tell that it just his way to treat his friend?
It's impossible to tell him what I feel. It's too late.
Now, he's trying to make her confidence.
I'm here just watch them. Watch their relationship.
Will they be a new couple in school?

Now, I'm standing here with a fake smile. I hide this pain.
And let them happy. Maybe their love story will be the best than fairy tales.
If they are in love, maybe there's no togetherness between us.
No Jokes. No Smile. No Laugh.
This broken heart will survive.

Another Boy. . .

It's been so long from the last moment in 2011...

I got a beautiful moment in the last year. Actually not in the last year, maybe 2011 is the best year ever in my life. first, I found a boy who has a special ability (maybe talent). second, I found a song which is so great to hear. third, the boy who has a special ability taught me how to play the song on the keyboard/piano. Well, it seems like a miracle, because I found a boy who has a talent. For me, found a boy who can play a piano is like I found peace. And one again, he likes to sing, and exactly his voices so good. And I believe, if he sings a song, his voices will colour your soul. Especially, when he sings You Rise Me Up- Josh Groban.

Actually, I don't wanna write down this. OK, forget it.

I feel like I wanna go back to December. Because, so many things that i can't forget. Especially anniversary of my school. Maybe without the party, I'll never know him and be his friend. When I flashback all the moments in 2011, I remember one thing that really really hard to forget. Yes, it's about R. Because he lights up my life everyday. Although, he never gets closer to me, but he always makes me smile. The only thing which always appear in my mind is his smiles. Hard to explain how much I love him. But now, I realize that he can't love me like the way I do. Day by day, Month by month, I've been trying to forget him but, I can't. Okay, I'm sure I can forget him. Sooner or Later.

In the first month in 2012, I'm tyring to find another way to get my own love. Maybe this is one of my resolutions. I don't want to do the things like before. I have to change it, change my mind, and change all my bad habbits. I really want to make a change for my future. Well, you know I'm trying.

Easy come. Easy go.
Yeah, everyone knows the motto.
Now, I always remember the motto wherever I am. Especially to get my own love.
Well, now I have to think twice before do something. And think the result.

Since I found him. I think I can forget R. But I can't and I will never forget the moment where he always lights up my day. Why I said so?. Because The Boy is not like R. The Boy is a kind person. He always smiles. Always lauhgs. And always talks to me whenever he meets me. So difference behaviour. One again, he is so great to make a sentence in English. Yeah, That's why!. My English teacher also say that he is the "smartest" person in his class.

But there's a bad news. Always and always T_T. Yeah, as a kind person and as a boy who has a special ability, everyone knows him. Well, I've been trying to understand. He smiles to other girl. He laughs when he's w/ his friends. And He talks w/ every girl he met. No exception. Yeah, that's so annoying. I don't know why, there's another feeling deep inside my heart that i can't tell to him. And I don't know how to hide this. I've been trying to stay away from him. But, my friends always call him and talk to him and the end of the conversation is he talks to me. Sometimes, I'm afraid to lose him if he knows what I feel. I've always been hide my feel, and feel so calm whenever he is around me. I don't know why I always nervous, speechless, and the heartbeat so fast whenever he is around me. Is it a LOVE ???. But, I'm sure this is just crush.

I've always been pray to God. And Saying Thank God for what he gave to me.
Well, I'll not tell you who is "him" before i know who's the girl that he loves.
Now, I wanna be so quiet. No matter what. And control my heartbeat whenever he's around me.



-Love doesn't mean to always close . . .