Buzzing

Hello, guys! What's up? It has been a while since the last post I published. I usually ended up a year with one post. Guess, I did not do that. I was planning to do so, but I felt like I better compile everything I want to share things that happened before the new year and the time after it. 

As you see the title above, you might question what exactly it means. Well, it is not something bothering my ear, but likely the one that keeps making noise in my head. I actually feel that it is not the perfect time to tell you about that. I just need some time to process that everything that has happened was really in fact as I thought. You know, I guess I need more proof to convince me that it is really what it is.

By the way, I intended to name this post with alternative title. But, in the end, I decided to use this word to summarize all the context. (Well, every post I published "actually" sounded like that, right?). I planned to name this post with either "synchronicities" or "self-detachment". Why would I choose that? Let us get in to the point.

So, I was really a person who thinks (and believe) in that term "everything has its time." Back in time when I was just graduated from college, I was so frustrated because I had not gotten any job yet. My surrounding kept asking me all those questions like I did nothing to make changes. Well, I tried. But, I think that was not my time.

I was kind of building up a wall to defend my self with the sentence "everything has its time, wait for your time" (followed by efforts, of course). Finally, I got one. But, one thing that really bothers me here is, there are two point of views. One is about "time", and the other is about "detachment."

Maybe one of you know that I really want to take my master degree. That freaking want was really on fire after I graduated. Not to say that it stayed for a year. Every time I tried to apply to any job vacancy, my heart tried to negotiate with my mind. Maybe it was like this, "why didn't you try to apply for a scholarship?" Yes, it was like that I guess.

Some others would say that, "that kind of thought crossed your mind because you have no idea what you should do next after graduation, besides you haven't got any job." Like, OMG. I had that desire not because I did not know what to do. I was exactly want to get my post-graduate degree because I did want it and I was still curious to know more about the field I had studied. On the other hand, I was not really into this "money-making" venture.

Okay, back to the topic, synchronicities and detachment.

I slowly set aside my wish to get into college again. There it went. When I started to release that thing, I got the call. It soon drove me to the company I previously worked at.

By the time it came, there was this feeling that said "it is synchronicities." But, did it really happen because I surrendered my wish upon the universe (in short, doing some self-detachment) or was it because "it's the time"? I have not gotten the answer yet. 

Yes, this kind of thing then drew me to another thing that (I think) still links to things like this. It is about manifestation and precognition. 

I do not know when exactly this happens. Though I have ever experienced the same thing many years ago, I noticed it has happened again more often recently.

It started in the earlier of 2021. I was finished a job interview. Soon after it, there was something said in my heart that told me I would be going to meet them again for a long-period of time. At the same time, I was hoping that I would get that offering. Then. . . Bang! They contacted me that I got the role. On one side, I was totally happy. Then again, my brain choked for a minute when I remembered about the gut feeling that said "they will pick me." My reaction at that moment was maybe like this:

source: memesmonkey.com

Anyway, believe it or not? This post (the paragraph above) had been left for about two years. I drafted it on April or May 2022, I forgot. Funny how I finally decide to publish the story above. Of course many things happened and I feel like I want to add more to this post. As usual, my current activities.  

I just remember something (I forgot either I read a quote or watching a movie), there is a famous belief that goes like this: people will take important decisions at the age of 27th. I was not sure at first, but then I reviewed again my journey and I want to say, yes I think that belief is true. I mean, it happened to me. 

I did it unintentionally for sure. Though the journey did not look beautiful, but I felt that it directed me to something good. I learned new things, I met new people, and of course my brain keeps expanding for getting more and more knowledge I did not know before. Some people might call it "get out of your comfort zone" 😜.

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By the way, YouTube recapped my all-year-round music. Okay, because this post is a combination of a draft from 2022 and current days, I will post my YouTube Recap from that range of time. Looks funny how it changed not gradually but drastically 😁. I even take it as a representation of my state of mind. 

The theme of my 2021 was "still" Owl City.  I think I was really sane enough to keep up with some things. I mean, Owl City's songs will always be my playlist when I am in a good mood (cheerful side). 

                

(from end of 2021 to end of 2022)

(recap during 2023)

(recently: 2024)

As you can see, I have been playing the same song. Yes, it is Good Riddance by Green Day. The song seems so comforting with melodies that sound like Celtic music in the interlude part (not to mention, the lyrics as well). It is like pulling me back to past time. Like you know, I like to reminisce about the past and have a trip down memory lane even if it is just in my mind. 

By the way, I also listen to edited version of Good Riddance. It is just slower with the effect of reverb. I know it is not officially Green Day's version, but this slowed and reverb version is something I crave for. I mean, I wish Green Day set the original tempo this slow. It hits different in my opinion especially the interlude part. But, just because I want to give the credit to the owner of this song (Billie Joe and the band!), so I just listen back to the original one. Here is the slowed version, you can click the image to direct you to the YouTube page.

(Good Riddance slowed and reverb version. The tempo that I wish Billie set up the first time he made the song)

As I said before, my music changed as my state of mind did too. Thankfully, YouTube tracked it so I can give you the proof of that. LOL 😀 I think it changed because I entered the "dark night of the soul" era (some people call it). I still could not think clearly in 2022, I think you know what it is. Yes, it is because the thing that affected me back in 2020. It just appeared again in the year of 2022.

I even decided to withdraw myself so there will be no more people affected with my "dark knight of the soul" phase. I just feel that it was the only way. This is also a way for me to keep in touch with my inner self even if it sacrifices my reality and the relationship between me and the people around me.

(thanks YouTube for having it tracked😉)

You can see other songs I guess. One song that kept appearing is Bintang-Bintang by Sherina. Yes, it still has a correlation with Good Riddance. The outro of Bintang-Bintang does bring me back to those time I yearn for as well. I do not know why it feels like that. I should blur some songs because I think it is personal and I want to keep it private. 

So, we are in the middle of the year already, I wish this year (2024) will be more cheerful than last year. I think I still need time to heal from something I do not tell anyone. Maybe I still need to process things that just happened or even happened long long ago. But, one thing that I know is, there will be answers for all the questions that are still going unanswered right now. Just like my favorite band (A Great Big World) said, "Some dots they won't connect until the years go by".

If you are facing some obstacle right now, I hope you will pass it soon. If you feel weary, just hold on a little longer. If you are reaching for something, I hope you will get it at the right time. Sometimes the journey does not look like the destination, but there are some good sceneries along the way. In fancy ways, I can sum it with "even instant noodle needs to be cooked!!!" Thank you everyone for making a visit and spending time to read this! 🙆✨

"Whatever happened, happened for the good,

whatever is happening, is happening for the good,

whatever will happen, will also happen for the good"

- Krishna

Head in the Clouds

I have just finished staring at the sky for three hours straight. I know that is weird, but I think that would be better rather than sitting alone on the corner of McD. I was confused about anything that has just happened and of course the one that is still on going. Then, I realized maybe it is because I have not done journaling lately. As you know, the last post I published was four months ago. 

Well, I know even though the post I write here does not contain any thoughts that are bothering my mind, at least writing this random stuffs do help releasing the tension hahaha.

By the way, have you ever heard a famous quote that said "what you think, you become"? I just remember something that I have done in the past. It was not really related to that quote, but I think it was similar. So here is again my analysis.

If the quote "what you think, you become" really works, we can change the initial sentence, right? Let us start with the word "writing." What would the sentence be? "What you write, you ...?" In my opinion, it could go like this, "what you write, you affirm." Is that well? Hahahaha I do not know. 

As usual, many things have happened of course during the last four months. It made me a bit shift my character. Well, I am not saying this because I claim it. It was more likely revealed by one of my close friends.

So, long story short was, I made a plan with my friend to go out after work. Yes, I know I notice this rare behavior as well. Going out on after hours is not really me. There more, it was me who initiated the meeting first. It is, again, not really my character. LOL. 

It did left me in a moment of silence between me and my self. Like, I talked to my self, "am I changing?" hahaha. Funny, that sometimes I felt like I did not know my own self. Accidentally, I remembered something that happened in the past.

I believe I was extrovert until particular circumstances shut me up. It happened when I was just a kid. As experts say that children usually copy what they see, what they are told to, and so on, I guess my early-childhood psychological subconsciously received that and buried that in the back of my mind.

This small analysis just made me wondering, what the hell am I? hahaha. On one side, people see me as a super-duper quiet person. While on the other hand, it is not a few who said I am so talkative. Yeah, it actually depends on whom I talk to.

Well, I do not know exactly. Maybe this "new era" has shaped me a bit more different. For example, even though I am an introvert, I cannot lie that I miss sitting on a bench with my friends having face to face conversations in this hurly burly city. Real conversation exactly.

Anyway, talking about city, I just want to let you know that I still cannot get enough of the interlude part of Niall Horan's Too Much Too Ask. Every time I listen to it, I remember the warm and lovely vibes of Bendungan Hilir and Sudirman village in the afternoon. 

I do not know why it feels like that. The building, the city lights, and the twilight ambience sound fit to the notes and the sound of the guitar. It just reminds me of the same atmosphere when I listen to Jason Mraz's I Won't Give Up and James Bay's Let It Go. The difference lies on the place. Yes, I Won't Give Up and Let It Go bring Antasari streets vibes. Not forget to mention, Kemang as well. Are you getting confused with this? Hahahaha, do not worry, you are not alone.

Actually, I am not a twilight craver, I am more with dawn perfectly packed with the dew. However, I am not really an early bird. You can say I am a night owl because I bear with twilight more often.

Maybe I miss the feeling of strolling the city in the night. I could do that actually, but would you do that in this really "hard" time?

Photo by Bagus Ghufron on Unsplash

Mid Year

 

"It makes me smile because you said it best,

I would clearly feel blessed" -Owl City

Alright. It's kind of late writing it down to this very blog of mine. I just do not want to be seen as "in a rush." Okay, let me greet you all first. How are you, guys? I hope you all are good because I am! It is already mid year. I have not posted any post yet this year (well this one is on going lol!). As we know, we are still in this hard times. But, one thing I believe is it is all getting better and will vanish sooner than later.

Okay, as usual, this post will not appear if I did not want to write about what has just happened around me. I may say I am the most cheerful person (well, through my own lens exactly). I do not like negative emotion really covers me up. However, I forgot that there is certain thing that I cannot take control of.

I mean, I am sorry but I am still human being. I just cannot fool myself that I did feel grief. Thankfully, I was still sane enough to realize that life must go on no matter what. One thing that really made me to "let it go" what has chocked my chest was this particular thing.

So, as you know, last year, I lost someone. It left me in sorrow of course. And so how it started. I was totally blank for almost a year. I felt that I lost my will to live. But, this thing really opened my eyes. I do not know whether it was real or just my thought. Whenever I drowned in that grief, this person had always come to my dream without a single word. It was like they conveyed something that they do not like it if I was always being sad. It happened for several times that leaded me to interpret the meaning of that dream. And lately I have been convinced with my own self that "yes, you cannot do this for the rest of your life."

Later on, it was January or something, I forgot. I felt there was something just went through my heart that said "something big is happening." I have not seen it coming yet, but I am totally sure it is there. So, as I believe that it is going to happen, I now see one by one that brighter days are ahead. 

So, maybe there is a reason why. Like, the person may not be here anymore, but there is me. Now, the universe wants me to take over the role to spread the voice. Maybe that is the reason why I am still waking up in the morning to live another day. Like what I have believed since long ago that there must be reason why I was born to this life.

Oh well, anyway, I have just got new role. I am so happy with the situation I am getting in right here right now. However, it seems that the surround does not really see it as a good thing. I just cannot afford to think like that I am sorry. I can be sarcastic somehow. Well I am sorry. So, they keep telling me to find a better thing. You know the reason I guess. It is about that money making ventures. I mean, come on. We are still in this hard time, getting this "thing" is such a blessing while there are so many people out there are still trying to get one. Even though I keep telling them that I enjoy it with all my heart and soul, it seems like they do not get it. I mean, I would choose in a heartbeat chores that mean a lot although it is really low paying rather than live in that falsity just to get a higher pay. Thankfully, it is not coming from the family so I do not really affected with such a thought (or comments?).

Oh yeah, I almost forget to mention. I do feel so blessed. I am now surrounded with much more positive people. Seriously, I never thought that I would be in this phase. I mean, I was really in grief last year, but now, I still cannot find an appropriate word to describe how much I feel so blessed. That it sometimes leaves me in awe and think "my God, did I deserve this kind of bless?" I think it has just started since I believe that the big good thing is on its way to me. So, like the Pablo Picasso said "everything you can imagine is real" and since we are the universe, let us think about something good only so the great things will gravitate towards us.

Thank you very much for the visit, guys. It is random again. Well, it has always been and always will :) May God bless us in every step of our ways. Stay healthy and happy!  

Chills. God is up to something good.

Photo by Miikka Luotio on Unsplash

Thank You 2020

 Hi, Bloggy!!! It's BEEN a long time since the last post I published, of course. I actually wanted to post some physical thoughts to this blog of mine, but as usual, I did consider everything. A lot. So, I decided not to share that kind of thoughts. I mean, not everyone will accept or at least is in the same view. 

This year has been the hardest one ever. I think it affected not just me, but people in this whole world. Some still might have felt sparks, but some others have not. However, that does not become the reason that we cannot see the good side. Okay, as usual, this is not me if I am not putting some positive affirmations alike to my post. I am sorry, I do this a lot because my role model is Mahatma Gandhi. Okay, next.

People come and go. We do know that. That is exactly how the world works. Natural law. Okay, I am here not trying to be a philosopher. The life that has been given to me, it forces me to impersonate any one of them. I do question everything, but only to myself. If only I could ask someone whom I know well about it, I would do.

Okay, if I took a look at it a little closer, I actually already found the answer of my questions. Yes, the answer is natural law. However, it takes a almost a year for me to finally accept this law and what has been written to me since long ago. One of proverbs even says that time almost heals everything, but I do not think it applies on me (I'm sorry 😐). Maybe it will, and again, it is just a matter of time (oh well, 'time'). Yeah, I think you know where this is going. I am talking about losing.

I was, at first, thinking that 2014 was the year of biggest change that has ever happened to me. I was wrong. I want to say that this is the year of changing. For once, this pain of loss almost drove me insane like never before. Thankfully, I am still sober enough to face this truth. I am so blessed that this 'experience' has shaped me to be a much better version of me (okay, in my opinion). I am so lucky enough as well that this phase of my life really keeps me away from attached too much to worldly life. I am not saying I am not sad, but losing the one who opened your eyes how to live life sincerely, makes me want to make 'the legacy' lives on. I really want to spread to the world the noble value this person taught me. So that the world will be less filled with hatred.

Photo by Artem Beliaikin on Unsplash

Before I end this post, I really want to say this thing, my dear. We might have to use logic and think rationally. However, there are some particular things that cannot be processed with common sense. Some things that only work when you think intuitively. I am saying this not because I am an INFP which is exactly an intuitive person. Even before I knew this MBTI theory, I have used intuition more than my common sense — yes, since I was four years old. Okay, if you did not get what I mean by saying think intuitively, here it is the explanation. 

“When you're intuitive but unaware of it, your intuition might externalize itself, showing up as "signs from the Universe" that leave you in awe. It's almost as if intuition tries to get your attention internally first, but if you're not paying attention, your intuition will grab you by the outside world and shake you until you're listening.” — mindbodygreen.com

Yes, it sounds a bit weird, but I just cannot  let you go not knowing that I do believe in that 'signs from the Universe'. For once I thought it was just my 'unrealistic thoughts', but the last time I ignored it, I did feel regret. Regretting of why I kept ignoring that 'signs' which could let me at least 'prepare' myself for what will happen next.

It is going to be 2021, but I am still processing 2020. Thank you, 2020. You have been the greatest year I have been through so far. I have found the wonderful teacher, and so I wish you too, my lovely reader. Yes, it is 2020. May the new year will bring much better changes for all of us.

“Why does the star shine?

Mengapa bintang bersinar?

Why does the river flow? 

Mengapa air mengalir?

Why is the world spinning?”

Mengapa dunia berputar?

 

-Sherina, Lihatlah Lebih Dekat

Intersection on the Blank Map

“Did you enjoy singing backup?” said Caitlyn to Mitchie. Yeah, I think that Camp Rock’s dialogue is similar enough to the situation I am getting in. Mitchie is competent in singing, but her heart is not into the place she is in. As you already know that I am graduated now. The feeling of relief is there, yet the confusion as well. Because sometimes, there are some circumstances that force you to do something not your heart desire. I think that becomes the reason why some things did not work out because the heart and soul are not into it. I am sorry to make it not to the point. I just want to fill the blank… okay, I am just kidding.

Photo by Markus Leo on Unsplash

Of all the things we questioned, can we answer it with another point of view? I mean, let’s take an example. One might answer those questions with “because you’re lazy,” or “because you’re not fully accepting it,” or “because you’re not trying to do with sincere heart.” In my world, I would say “what if it wasn’t meant to be?” I know that would sound shallow because I directly cut it to the core. But that answer can be so meaningful if we can think about it a little deeper. Just take another allegory. You are the actor of a TV series. If the director said you will not appear in some episodes, it never happens. You will never be there. You are playing it, I know. But, if the director keeps saying no, what would you do? The problem then keeps going. How do you know that you will not be part of that episodes if no one tells you? I think by keep trying, sooner or later you will find it.

It just reminds me of my friend who said that I gave up on my previous college. Let me take you back to years when this was going. That was the thing I love the most. I had been waiting for that for almost eleven years. However, something did happen in the last minute. I kept on going though I knew and I believed that would not go well. After so many considerations, I finally quit college. Well, that might be seen as giving up. But once again, in my point of view, it is because, in the middle of the journey I found some factors. Those became the reasons why I did not continue while it was not few who believed I was a bit capable of doing it. Now, with the thing I achieved better, can I just say that it is fate?

 Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

So here we are. If you are now asking, what is the point of all of this shit I write, I would say it is all about finding what you are destined to be. I am holding a blank map and I am on the T-intersection, now. Even though sometimes I ask myself with these questions “what if,” or “would it be good or worse if I go there instead of there.” So, now, knowing that you are not fully in that series, why not try to find another role? Okay, it is so hard for me to say to the point. I… have not gotten my dream job. I even forget what it is. Okay, let’s eliminate that ‘dream.’ Now we have ‘job.’ A half of me feel like I have to find it. On the other hand, the rest feels like I have to take another thing I want. Well, to be honest, 80% of my heart, soul and thought are not into it. That sometimes makes me think that is why I have not gotten it yet. Other than that, it does not close my thought to the answer “maybe it definitely was not meant to be.” Some say maybe this is because I do not want to change my life cycle. In my opinion, “what if this is part of the story?” or “what if history wants to repeat itself?” It is still hard to convey what I actually want to say. But with the pictures I inserted in this post, I think it is well delivered :)

 Photo by MD Duran on Unsplash

Okay, now this part is the end of this post. It is not me if I did not put at least some optimistic ideas. One thing we have to be sure is, even though you are not achieving what you really want, at some point, everything is going for the sake of our goodness. It inevitably leads me to a statement that, not every “acceptance” will be good and not every “rejection” means bad. There will be light at the end of the tunnel. One more from me, if it is meant to be, it will be. But, if it was not, it never was. Okay, I am sorry. The last one is from Selena Gomez. LOL :D

Stay safe and stay healthy, guys. I hope this hard times will be over sooner. I cannot wait to go outside and travel around this city all day long! 💙